A young parent asked me the other day how I use discipline with children. Although being a teacher is different than being a parent, there are some principles that apply to both. These principles teach children discipline rather than punishing them for bad behavior.
1.Ensure child understands what she did wrong
Children repeat bad behavior when they do not understand what they did wrong. Imagine you get arrested by a police officer, taken to jail, sit there for a few hours, and then released to go home. At no time does anyone explain to you why you were arrested. You would be outraged and demand to know why you were arrested. Why would you expect anything less from a child? You should make every effort to make it clear to a child what she did wrong.
Although they will not always understand, you should explain to them why what they did was wrong, especially when the bad behavior is dangerous to the child or others. If a child is jumping off the monkey bars, you don’t have to explain the laws of gravity, just the results—the child could get hurt by jumping from such a high place.
2.Don’t use food for punishment or reward
Children need consistency and this is where the problem with food rewards begins. The one time you do not give food as a reward (you forgot to get candy at the store) the child can become confused and think they have done something wrong. When practiced on a regular bases, children begin to relate getting food with “being good” and withholding of food with “being bad.” Children will begin to expect rewards for good behavior and act out when they don’t get it. Instead, reward them with your love, hugs, and kisses.
This issue also carries with it many health problems. If at an early age children learn a system of reward through food, they are in danger of developing eating disorders. For example, a teenager who punishes herself for being bad by not eating or who comforts herself by overeating. Remember, the idea is to teach discipline. Food rewards teach habits that could harm children later in life.
3.Make consequences related to the misbehavior
This is a simple concept to understand, but it is sometimes difficult to do. It requires you to think about the issue rather than react to the issue. If Johnny throws his toys, the toys are taken away. If Susie writes all over herself with markers, she will not be allowed to use the markers. Although it may be tempting, these consequences are not for all of eternity. To prevent any unintentional disobedience make sure the child knows how long the consequence will be in affect.
You also should be aware that children will use this against you. Sometimes, they will act out in order to not have to do something. In this case, the appropriate action is to make them do it anyway. I once had two sister who could not do an activity together without fussing. One folded up her arms and said, “I’m not doing it!” My reaction was to guide them to do it by cooperating to complete the task together without fussing. They did, and I rewarded them with praise.
Although this list is not all there is to child discipline, I believe these are the core principles to child discipline. It is important to remember the idea behind discipline is to teach the children and not to harm them. Always ask yourself whether your form of discipline will harm the child physically, mentally, or emotionally. Sometimes, you will get it wrong. When you do, don’t think you are a bad parent. Instead, remind yourself how you can do better next time. When it comes to rewards, give them the reward they really crave the most—your love, time, and attention.
